I’m not who I was

Living behind some sort of masks has always been my greatest talent in life.  Being what someone else wanted me to be, living up to someone else’s expectation- whether outwardly applied or self-contrived- was an art I mastered at a very young age.  I thought living for others and, often, living a lie made me happy.  Sometimes the illusion of happiness was so great, people believed I was blissfully happy.  Other times the reality of the emptiness was so overwhelming, the rubber band of my life would snap back, and as a result I would act out selfishly and alienate others in the process.  My life was often a very viscous and destructive roller coaster with no end.  With few admirers and even fewer true friends, my life was a cyclical torrent that you could barely call an existence, but, for some reason, I did.  This, my friends, is who I was.

It takes a lot for me to say those few sentences; a lot for me to admit who I used to be was a painfully self-abused and tortured soul.  As a proud person, it is never easy to come to the conclusion that you were wrong.  Its even harder to admit it out loud.  Yet, that is exactly what I am doing.   I am now taking time to reflect on what I was… what I can often still be, and what I am striving daily to change and correct.  Some one very special and wise once said:”Its not so much the actual change that you create, but the constant attempt to create it that matters” .  I’m not trying to be perfect any more.  I’m trying, instead, to not be so angry for no reason.  Trying to channel my energy into positive outlets and rewarding avenues.  I am going to stumble and fall.  I am going forget, all together at times, what my goal is.  But so long as I continue to put one foot in front of the other, I am going get there some day.

Sadly, these changes are not going suit everyone in my life.  Because of these changes and the accompanying ever evolving self-awareness, some friendships are going fade away while others are going to grow into full and loving support systems.  The hardest part will be letting go of what is no longer healthy and recognizing what is beneficial.  I tend to stay in what is comfortably complacent even if it happens to be a bed of nails because change scares me.  But that train of thought has gotten me no where fast so far and I’ve only got “up to grow”, right?  So with a chest full of air, and a spirit full of hope I am fighting my way to the surface.  The waters might be choppy and rough, but at least it will be a bright and happy reality instead of a diluted and painful fantasy.

I’m not who I was any more, but I’m excited to find who I might turn out to be.

Man In the Mirror

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